Each day has seemed wearier than the last. Every night, I would take a deep breath and resolve, “Tomorrow will surely be better.” The disappointment the next day was always hard, “Today is even worse.”
There are many reasons for this – difficult anniversaries this time of year, enormous family problems, a new location, difficulties at work. I’m sure the post-holiday blues don’t help, and maybe I should see a doctor about the possibility of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’m also working very hard to overcome big tendencies to hoard – something that also has lots of emotions connected to it from traumas in childhood. Hey, I’m even in the process of getting ready to transfer guardianship of my dog to a friend. (The college I’m heading to doesn’t allow pets. Not even fish.)
One thing that comforts me is this – there are very real reasons for why I am feeling worse. It’s not that I’m failing, or that I’ve caused this. Almost anyone else with the anxiety conditions I have would be feeling very similarly under these circumstances.
Last night I was about to make the same proclamation that tomorrow would magically be better (not really believing it, though) when I luckily had a realization. “I am slipping. The anxiety is getting worse, and I’m headed into depression.” That realization was hard. But now, I am facing the problem.
So now what? Well, I’m figuring that out. I’m going to start nutritional supplementation (that has been okayed by my M.D.) I’m going to exercise more. I’m going to continue working on decluttering my environment. I might even start a journal. I’m going to make some changes in work. I’m also going to realize that maybe I’ve been expecting too much from myself given the very heavy strain I’m experiencing from those difficult situations. If there are any medical things that come up, I’ll make sure to see my doctor.
I’m going to redouble my creative efforts. I’ve been doing fewer creative projects recently, and I can feel that affect! This means more hobby time, and less computer time. Less overwork on my job, and more time watching comedies.
I’ve also decided to grow a window garden. I’m going to keep going through a (very long) series of historical novels I love.
Whatever I do, I will keep making positive decisions. This anxiety hasn’t beaten me, and it’s not going to.
Is it going to take more effort than just sitting back and letting the sticky black fog engulf me slowly? Yes. But it’s worth it. My happiness and health are absolutely worth fighting for, and I intend to protect them. It might take a while, but my suspicion is that it might actually be easier than I think. And my personal belief is that my Higher Power and the universe actually want me to succeed, so any positive energy I put into this will be magnified and added to by even more powerful positive energy.