I Understand
It’s a painful kind of existence to battle inwardly your entire life — wars that no one sees. Sometimes they do see and it’s embarrassing and hard to control. So much of your effort goes to curbing impulses, mustering up the courage to stay in the fire, dodging the thoughts that are darts inside your head flying at you from every direction.
It’s an exhausting way to live. The agency with which you see other people live their lives seems a far reality. You must work to manage your mental health and live your life around subduing this monster. You’re continually on guard for the next onslaught and you accumulate a myriad of tools to implement.
A slave to your emotions, you work to be a tamer of your mind. You grow and learn new ways of coping but the war is never quite won. You look back and see the thousands of miles you’ve covered. You should be proud, and you are. But you’re still wading through sinking mud half the time, swarmed by a hundred new issues. Life is beautiful and worth fighting for, you admit. But why so cruel?
You can never fully trust yourself because your brain betrays you. There’s something off inside. You didn’t choose it but it’s your burden to bear. Oh, to live with no cares and be truly present. What a dream.
Support people surround you. They are your lifeline. Without them, you’d be screwed. You can’t do it on your own, you’re very aware. Maybe that’s a good thing. Without this weakness, you wouldn’t experience the kindness of loved ones to hold you up when you can’t stand. Brene Brown said, “We don’t have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.”
You wonder what you did to deserve this curse that lasts a lifetime. It’s not fair. It doesn’t add up. The depth of struggle you’ve had to endure, the sleepless nights, the ruthless pain hidden behind closed doors—it’s not a card you would have picked out of the deck.
You hate to use this as an excuse. Everyone’s got problems. You’re human just like the rest of the world. But it’s real, it’s as real as living with diabetes, Lyme disease, or a disability. Your mental conflict may enable you to excel in certain areas. You may be very gifted, but it comes with a price.
Some days you glide through with grace. Other days trap you in the swamp and it’s all you can do to just keep breathing. To keep showing up to your daily duties, to keep believing in the value your presence adds.
You want to be a superhero but more often than not you find yourself clawing your way out of a dumpster, aching to see the light.
Your mind is a powerful ocean, surging and swelling before it rests into stillness. Furious waves catch you by surprise and capsize your boat. Some mornings though, the sunrise over the horizon creates such awe inside you, you feel immense gratitude for being alive. Nightbirde sang,
“I swear to you that I’ll keep you awake
When it’s easier to sleep
Cause you feel it all so deep.”
Caution is always at the forefront of your mind because anything you share could be used against you. People may not understand and may look down on you for this. The stigma stings.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” (Plato). That also refers to yourself. You fight a hard battle every day. Be kind to yourself. You have earned the badge of warrior. Celebrate yourself and your strengths. A friend once said, “Sometimes when you feel weakest is actually when you’re the strongest.”
If you would like additional resources and support, please visit the ARC’s Anxiety/OCD Links.
Many people have also found our peer support groups to be incredibly helpful in managing their anxiety disorder. To find others who are experiencing anxiety, consider joining our in-person support group (in Grand Rapids, MI) or attend one of our Zoom groups online.
