My Journey through Panic Disorder

Every one of us has challenges in life – monsters that need to be slain. For me, the monster was panic disorder. In this blog, I hope to share my battle with this monster – the victories, defeats, and ultimately the peace that I found through facing down what scared me the most.   

The Early Years: Unexplained Anxiety

My battle with anxiety began at a very young age. I remember walking home from school and feeling that I had to only step on certain sections of the sidewalk or sometimes I had to check things or do things a certain way. Later in life, I came to understand what OCD is and that I had been living with it for as long as I can remember. 

In my late teens, as I entered college, the OCD symptoms exploded. Up until that point, my symptoms were more eccentricities, peculiar personality traits that changed often but were unnoticed by others. With the added pressure of college and being away from home, my symptoms got much worse. Hand washing, checking, checking, checking, avoiding touching certain things without rationale reason, feeling that I had to re-read sections of a textbook over and over.    

Then came my sophomore year and my first experience with panic disorder. I was taking an exam and began to feel like I couldn’t breathe. I knew I was breathing but couldn’t seem to take in enough oxygen. My breathing became very quick, and I got lightheaded. I left the exam and went back to my apartment hoping that things would just pass. The problem was that they didn’t. I spent the rest of that day and a long night obsessing about breathing. I had never thought of breathing before- it just happened without my noticing it. Now it was all I could think about!   

That next day, I went to the emergency room and explained my symptoms. After a multitude of tests and questions the ER doctor said, “It’s just anxiety- you just have to calm down”. Leaving the hospital, I remember wishing he had said that it was a terrible disease or heart problem, at least then they would treat it! “Just calm down” was not helpful to me. I had no idea how to do that! Unfortunately, this was 1985 and the medical community was not capable of treating my problem. 

The Diagnosis: Understanding Panic Disorder

It was a visit to a compassionate therapist that finally led to an accurate diagnosis. After listening to my experiences and conducting a thorough evaluation, he explained that I was suffering from an anxiety disorder that has many variations (OCD and panic disorder being two of the most common). 

So the monster finally had a name “anxiety disorder”. Hearing the diagnosis was a mix of relief and fear. On one hand, I finally had a name for what I was experiencing. On the other hand, I was scared of what this diagnosis meant for my future. Would I ever be “normal” again? Could I overcome this?

Navigating Treatment:  Booze, Therapy, Medication, and Faith

Over the next few years, I navigated through life trying to wrestle with the monster while building a future. I continued college, was successful at work, and got married but everything was done with careful planning to ensure that I would NOT ever be in a position where I was alone or without help. One of my most common calculations was the proximity to a hospital. I also tried multiple treatments. The first, and easiest to try, was alcohol. It seemed so promising initially. Drink enough and I felt calmer. You can probably guess how this treatment protocol evolved.  Initially, a couple of drinks was enough. Then it required a few, then a bunch, then I realized that there wasn’t enough alcohol to defeat the monster. He was clearly winning.

Medication was another treatment. Unlike alcohol, it did work but not enough to defeat the monster- only enough to give me a fighting chance in battling him. In therapy, I was introduced to cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and that became the beginning of my road to ultimately defeating the monster. CBT involves facing what scares you the most in manageable doses. It works because it rewires the neuropathways that cause the symptoms in the first place. I learned things like breathing exercises and relaxation techniques that played a crucial role in managing physical symptoms.

Ultimately, I found my greatest tool in faith. At first, some well-meaning but ill-informed Christian leaders would tell me that panic and anxiety were in my life because of a lack of faith. When I began to challenge that theory, I realized how wrong they were. “Do not fear” is in the Bible 365 times.  It is the most common phrase. So, I began to ask God, “If you don’t want me to be afraid – please show me how”.   

The Rollercoaster of Recovery

God answered that question. But the answer wasn’t what I was hoping for. I wanted a quick fix, some new medication or therapy. For me the answer was more battles with the monster, only this time I wasn’t battling alone or with useless weapons like alcohol.   

Facing Fears Head-On 

As I mentioned, CBT proves that the most effective way to overcome panic disorder is to face it head-on. They call it exposure therapy. With the guidance of a therapist, I gradually exposed myself to the situations and triggers that had previously sent me into panic mode. It was terrifying at times, but it was also incredibly empowering.

Each time I faced a fear and got through it, it reinforced the idea that I was stronger than my anxiety. Over time, my world expanded once again. I started doing things I had avoided for years, from traveling to socializing in large groups. When panic came around, I started to face the monster head-on, I was no longer running from it. Eventually, I realized that there really was no monster at all. My brain created the panic and God had shown me that, through medication, therapy, support of others, breathing techniques, and most importantly faith, my brain could also eliminate what it had created. 

Support Systems and Self-Care

Recovery from panic disorder is not a solitary journey. It’s important to surround yourself with a support system of understanding friends and family. I was fortunate to have people in my life who listened without judgment and provided a safe space for me to share my struggles.

Self-care also became a cornerstone of my recovery. I learned to prioritize my physical and mental well-being. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep all played a role in managing my anxiety. Prayer and meditation became practices that helped me stay grounded in the present moment.

Strength in Vulnerability

As I reflect on my history with panic disorder, I realize that it has shaped me in profound ways. It taught me the importance of vulnerability and reaching out for help when needed. It showed me that strength is not the absence of fear but the courage to face it head-on.

Panic disorder is a part of my history, and I view it as a blessing. Today, when I am asked to speak to groups of people still struggling with this disease, I like to point out how incredibly strong they are.  Most people have no idea how hard it is to live even one day as a person with acute panic disorder. The truth is that it is an incredibly treatable disease that thousands of us have faced and beaten. If you are in the midst of the battle, you can beat it to you. I hope and pray that, through sharing some of my journey, you will find the weapons that you need to slay your monster!