My Childhood Turned Upside Down

The OCD monster found the perfect timing to push itself into my life. I was twelve years old, and my father had died suddenly in a car crash. I was always an anxious child and my father had been my emotional anchor. Suddenly my world was turned upside down and I was left free falling day after day anticipating what might happen next. 

I spent my life growing up on a dairy farm in Wisconsin. Now, the farm had to be sold and a move to city life brought unfamiliar people, places, and experiences. My anxiety was so elevated. I found myself obsessed with reading words wherever I found them, and when reading them I always found the need to end the reading with a noun. A verb, adjective, adverb, they were too fluid, too unstable, too indefinite to calm my anxiety. I had never heard of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), so I had no idea why this behavior became more and more dominant. I was just trying to survive the ever-present high levels of anxiety the best way I knew how.

Diagnosed at 28 Years Old

I learned I had OCD, at the age of twenty-eight. By now, my mind had morphed into fears about germs and chemicals. Specifically, germs on me and germs in my house since I lived there, and germs that I might be spreading to others wherever I might travel. Other people were clean; their houses were safe to enter. I could not get clean, even after taking a shower that lasted an hour. My psychiatrist referred to me as “Typhoid Mary”. I researched “Typhoid Mary” and learned she was a woman named Mary Mallon who was a cook. She is known to have infected between 51 and 122 people with typhoid fever.  

I had several rounds of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) in 1975, but it did nothing to reduce my fear of germs and chemicals. However, it did permanently erase precious memories of some important events in my life.

There were few effective mental health medications available in the 1970s. I was prescribed Haldol, Valium, and Stelazine. I felt worse while on them, so I was left to navigate life with no medication help. The SSRIs of Prozac, Luvox, Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa, and Lexapro became available later. 

Since that time, I have tried at least thirty different medications to combat my OCD symptoms. True to the nature of OCD, I had some successes followed by some setbacks. There were other attempts with therapies like CBT, EMDR, hypnosis, meditation, and breathing techniques. Every day I fought the disturbing thoughts I might be harming someone with germs that were a part of me.

Hope In A New Therapy

Then in 2023, I researched the information I saw on Facebook about Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation Therapy (TMS). I toured the BrainStim TMS Clinic, in Grand Rapids, MI, and asked important questions about the possible benefits and potential undesirable side effects of the treatments. Psychiatrist Dr. Puneet Singla and Co-Owner and CEO Chris Shepard helped answer my questions.

The first visit included a mapping of the treatment targets. Magnetic pulses are given to different areas of the skull to find exact locations to give treatments. When the area is pinpointed, it causes the little finger to move. During a TMS session, a specially designed electromagnetic coil is placed on the scalp. The coil generates a magnetic field penetrating the skull and stimulating the targeted brain region. The magnetic pulses to the scalp are pain-free. Then at subsequent visits, the TMS computer (in my case BrainStim) has all the information stored specific to each patient. 

The left side of my scalp was treated for treatment-resistant depression, Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). Although I have used medications and psychotherapy for many years, my depression remained. For up to 30% of patients, MDD does not get resolved with traditional treatments. The magnetic pulses stimulate the nerve cells. Depression has a low level of activation of specific areas of the brain including the left dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. My depression lifted completely after five TMS treatments (1 week). I no longer experienced life through a brain fog.

This stimulation helps regulate neurotransmitter activity and promotes the growth of new neural connections, which can positively improve mood and anxiety symptoms over time. 

The right side of my scalp and my forehead were treated for extreme anxiety. I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) diagnoses. People with OCD often have increased activity between the prefrontal cortex and striatum. This hyperactive connectivity is associated with severe OCD symptoms. TMS can be used to inhibit the activity in this part of the brain, thus reducing OCD symptoms. 

There is a new technology called Brainsway Deep TMS Therapy and it is currently being used to reach the OCD regions of the brain, the Orbital Frontal Cortex and the Anterior Cingulate Cortex, which are located deeper within the brain and require a deeper TMS therapy. The treatment utilizes the H7 coil to regulate the circuit believed to be involved in the inhibition of impulsive behavior. It is currently available in Ann Arbor at Michigan Advanced Psychiatry.

Prolonged stress causes less activity in those brain areas controlling higher-order functions, such as the prefrontal cortex, and hyperactive activation of primitive parts of the brain, such as the amygdala and the limbic system. When specific magnetic pulses are applied to these areas, they can help rewire the brain.

After three weeks of TMS treatments, I felt very calm for the first time in my life. My OCD obsessions and compulsions were lessened. Unlike medication, TMS Therapy targets the brain’s neural pathways, working to rebalance and regulate activity in key regions associated with anxiety.

Unlike ECT, which I received in the 1970s, TMS does not involve seizures and I had no memory loss.

My World Appeared Differently

My five senses were all awakened during the second week of treatment. I noticed my sight became clearer and crisper (this has since been verified by an eye doctor), voices sounded louder, food had more taste, and I became much more aware of being in a physical body.

I had experienced numbness (neuropathy) in my feet and lower legs for several years. I also saw improvement there as my numbness disappeared completely in my feet and eighty percent in my legs. The top of my scalp (motor strip) was treated with TMS to improve my motor skills. I am still challenged when walking but I have seen improvement. I had been averaging four falls per month previously (I have Meniere’s Disease, which contributes to extreme dizziness) but now I average two falls per month since I can feel my feet under me.

TMS therapy also works well and synergistically with other types of talk therapies and treatments. In my case, I combined EMDR therapy for trauma concurrently with TMS Therapy. It is FDA-approved and covered by many insurances.

I have been a full-fledged warrior for many years, trying my hardest to function well while being invaded with unreal fears and a brain in chaos. I have hoped that I would see significant improvement while still on this earth’s journey and TMS has been an answer for me. I am grateful each day for more clarity and joy in living! As with any medication or treatment, you should first consult your doctor about the benefits and risks.

If you are struggling with mental challenges, I suggest a tour of the Clinic and talking with the staff. You might be a candidate for TMS Therapy too.