Is Anyone REALLY Listening?

When someone deeply listens to you
it is like holding out a dented cup
you’ve had since childhood
and watching it fill up with
cold, fresh water.
When it balances on top of the brim,
you are understood.
When it overflows and touches your skin,
you are loved.
-John Fox

Have you ever experienced this kind of listening? Where you find yourself feeling safe to share what you didn’t even know was part of your own story? Where it seems impossible that time has passed so quickly? Where you feel more deeply known and connected to both yourself and another? Such a gift!!

Psychologist Carl Rogers says deep listening is at the heart of every healthy relationship. We all have a story that needs to be told, and a longing for it to be received and understood with love. We all have the capacity to be storytellers and deep listeners, and with practice we can live into our capacity.

As good students of western culture, we learn to listen efficiently so that we can recognize and solve problems. The aim is to reach the right conclusion as quickly as possible. This is an important and valuable skill, but when we practice this kind of listening, we are accessing only part of ourselves. Deep listening involves listening with our whole being to what is being communicated by another, and to what we are experiencing within ourselves. We listen with our bodies, hearts, and minds. Is this kind of listening quick, efficient, and to the point? Maybe not. But what it offers is a way to deeper healing and transformation for both the speaker and the listener.

Deep listening, compassionate listening, is not listening with the purpose of analyzing or even uncovering what has happened in the past. You listen first of all in order to give the person relief, a chance to speak out, to feel that someone finally understands him or her … During this time you have in mind only one idea, one desire; to listen in order to give the other person the chance to speak out and suffer less … One hour like that can bring transformation and healing. –Thich Nhat Hanh

Where Do We Begin?

It is always good to notice and become curious about yourself. What gets in the way of you being a deeper listener? Next time you’re invited to listen to someone, notice what you experience in your body, heart, and mind. Take time to explore what you notice. If you are like most of us, you will likely find yourself:

• Easily distracted
• Filtering and interpreting through your own experience
• Believing you know what someone is going to say
• Focusing on your response
• Judging
• Shutting down what you don’t want to hear
• Offering solutions
• Feeling uncomfortable with another’s anger or pain

When you notice any of these things as you are trying to listen, perhaps later you can answer the following prompts:

I felt ______________________ because_____________________.

I did ________________________ in order to make it through the process.

I believe I am ___________________ when this happens.

I believe others are ___________________ when this happens.

Now, try to remember a time when you felt heard and understood. Answer the same questions above with this experience in mind.

Ask yourself what you can do to connect more deeply with yourself and another next time you have an opportunity to listen.

This post was republished with permission from Lisa Tamblyn-Bergaman.