Inspiring Others with Insight

Having OCD for most of my life taught me a thing or two about the disease. Specifically, it taught me that recovery is never a linear process but a bumpy one. Full of ups and downs, OCD is a tough disorder to deal with. This is my story with OCD from early childhood to adulthood.

OCD is a mental health disorder affecting millions of people worldwide. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) consists of two main components, obsessions, and compulsions. Obsessions are irrational thoughts and urges that frequently occur over time causing anxiety and stress. On the contrary, compulsions are actions performed in response to obsessions in hopes of reducing levels of fear and anxiety. 

I have suffered and experienced most of the obsessive subtypes of OCD. These included the following: sexual, harm obsessions, religious, safety, and false memory obsessions.

In response to those obsessions, I would perform compulsions to reduce feelings of fear, stress, and anxiety. Compulsions might include: repeating gibberish words, and phrases, reading religious books, mental counting and tapping, checking, asking for forgiveness, taking screenshots “just in case” and videoing myself completing an action for checking.

When OCD Started

I remember being in the 5th grade and working on my Islamic religion homework as usual. Suddenly, I feel a whisper in my chest speaking badly about God and various religious figures. I remember my exact feelings that day. I began to sweat and bite my nails and with every breath I took I felt immeasurable guilt and discomfort. I didn’t understand what or why this happened but I knew this was not normal. I was 9 years old. 

Several days later, I was playing video games (Gameboy, yes I know I’m getting old) and the same thing happened. I had mental images of religious figures having sex. Of course, their faces were blurred out, but I knew they were religious figures. Interestingly, these were my favorite and most beloved religious people. Again, I began to feel anxious, stressed, and fearful. Not to mention the insane amount of sweat that filled my clothes. A couple of weeks went by and these symptoms slowly began to reoccur. 

Life as a Teen with OCD

I struggled in middle school. By this time, OCD began to take control of some aspects of my life. Moreover, I began to develop compulsive actions in retaliation to my obsessions. I started repeating gibberish phrases that provided me with temporary relief from the obsessions I began experiencing. 

Furthermore, during this phase, I began experiencing new OCD symptoms. I remember being in history class, midterms were right around the corner. I started to have mental images of writing inappropriate words and phrases on my desk. Immediately I began to feel my heart pumping harder and harder as I began to search for clues to my wishful thinking. I checked over and over again and there was nothing but I could not escape my anxiety. It felt so real. 

Entering Adulthood

As my responsibilities grew so did my obsessions. In this phase of my life, I started driving and getting to become my own man. However, I didn’t know how my OCD would react to all of this. 

I began experiencing mental images of running people over in crowded places and/or on interstate roads. I used to always check the rearview windows for evidence of running people over. It got so bad that I began to check my car from the front bumper to the back for blood, bumps, and broken glass. Interestingly enough, I did not experience such obsessions while on the highway. 

Moreover, I began experiencing safety-related obsessions when using an ATM. As soon as I saw the camera on me while trying to withdraw money, my OCD was triggered. I began to have thoughts, urges, and obsessions of shouting profanity and speaking negatively about religious and public authority figures. All of this made me paranoid about going out, so I would force myself to stay home for as long as possible. 

In addition, my university grades and attendance percentages suffered as a result. I began to fail courses and repeat whole semesters.

This is when OCD was at its peak.

Entering Into Therapy

I was against going to therapy due to the stigma surrounding it. I knew I needed it but I tried to delay it as much as I could. However, my mother couldn’t watch me suffer any longer. She basically forced me into therapy. 

At first, I sat down with a psychologist. I was told to explain what I was going through in extremely boring details and I did just that. I was diagnosed with moderate-severe OCD (shocking). I wasn’t really surprised. 

I was then scheduled to meet with a psychiatrist. Again, I was told to explain all my OCD experiences in detail. He began by giving a brief lesson on OCD, how it works, and why so many people suffer from it worldwide. Since I had delayed therapy for so long, CBT on its own was not enough. I was told a mix of both CBT and medicine (SSRIs) is the most effective way to recover and regain my life back. 

Three months later, the improvement was very much minimal. Interestingly, obsessive thoughts decreased while mental imagery obsessions increased greatly. I wouldn’t call it hallucinations, but you get the idea. 

This was brought up with my psychiatrist, he explained that mental health disorders were complicated and change from one person to another. What works for someone, might not work for all. I was prescribed a different type of SSRI and was scheduled for a checkup in about 3-5 months. During this time, OCD peaked again and obsessions/compulsions became much more aggressive. I was lethargic most of the day, had no motivation to accomplish anything, and began to eat like crazy (I was told it was a side effect). Yet again, the psychiatrist repeated his words that mental health is different for everyone and prescribed a new, THIRD medicine. By that point, I knew this was not working, and I needed a change. 

A Second Opinion

After a month of searching and asking around (both myself and my lovely mother), we finally found a psychiatrist that people held in high regard. The first time I sat with him, I was blown away. He didn’t treat me as a patient but as a son. He sat next to me on the couch, glaring into my eyes as I was explaining everything. The amount of effort he put in to try to solve my OCD problem was truly amazing. 

I was prescribed a new medicine and was ordered to increase the dosage after 3 months IF I felt an improvement. I did just that and the dosage was increased. Almost two years into the process, here I am. 

Coping With OCD

I researched the hell out of OCD. I read countless articles, studies, and books on the disorder. I began joining support groups online and began sharing my experiences (the good and the bad). 

One thing that helped me control my OCD was the ability to not react to it. I observed, the more I gave OCD attention the worse it got quickly. The secret was to NEVER react to its obsessions and intrusive thoughts. I would go by with my day regardless of what OCD was trying to tell me. With time I became prone to the obsessions and began to differentiate an obsessive thought from a normal one. This was such a crucial step in my recovery process.

Life as an OCD Advocate

As I regained control of my life, I made it a life goal to help others just like myself. I was fueled by motivation and passion. Finally, I found my “purpose” in life. I created The Struggling Warrior and dedicated it to raising awareness of OCD and helping others in my community. I began to share my knowledge of the disorder and my experiences with the world. 

I have ambitions to study psychology for my master’s and hopefully, one day have my Ph.D. in psychology. I want to become a professional in the community and a beacon of hope for everyone struggling with OCD worldwide.